Happier at Home

I mentioned recently that, in the midst of my house move, I re-read Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin.  Now, I'm a big fan of Gretchen Rubin's writing and became an even bigger fan when it turned out she is also a super nice lady (more on that later).  This post has taken me ages to write because Happier at Home is packed with, well, so much stuff, and I just couldn't pin down what I wanted to say.  So, in the spirit of "done is better than perfect" (a Gretchen-ism I like to remind myself of regularly), here's a collection of highlights and thoughts about the book.    

So - what's it about? Rubin describes the book as her account of the strategies that she used to feel more at home, at home.  In contrast to the messages in The Architecture of Happiness, which is all about the physical make up of buildings and their contents, Rubin doesn't really focus on this. She talks about what goes on in (and around) the home, and openly admits that she's not really interested in interior design. In fact, she said it had been a relief to her when she realised that her style of apartment didn't have to reflect any deep truths about her, and that it was enough that it be a pleasant, comfortable place to live.

Each month, Rubin picks a theme related to home (in the broadest sense) and sets herself some resolutions. She kicks off with "Possessions".  One of the most unsettling things about moving was being confronted with all our stuff - every single thing needed attention - and it made me just want to chuck it all out.  The usual comeback to a comment like this is that, yes, you should get rid of stuff, strive for simplicity, etc etc. Rubin argues we shouldn't just strive for less for the sake of having less, and assuming that less is better. She says instead we should just make sure we are engaging with our stuff - either by using it or keeping it because it has some special significance.

Next up is Marriage month.  One of the things Rubin talks about here is an attempt to rebalance who does the driving. Her husband basically does all of it, and she avoids it.  This is one of my own weaknesses too, and I read this chapter with hope, but it turns out there are no quick fixes for this.  Her sister offers the most helpful bit of wisdom here - that she'll only stop feeling anxious about driving after she has been driving every day for years.

Parenthood was the next theme, and I decided straight away to copy one of her resolutions to "under react to a problem".  Making a conscious effort to stay calm definitely makes a difference, but it takes practice.

A couple of months later Rubin focuses on Time.  She throws in a quote from Thoreau which inspired her:

"I love a broad margin to my life"

Isn't it such a luxury not to have to rush? In this chapter Rubin talks about planning her time better. She talks about everything from managing always-on technology and relentless emails, to how much she accomplished by doing something 15 minutes a day, to her kids' after school activities.  Her "15 minutes a day" task was sorting out her digital photos.  Some of her zeal for this rubbed off on me and I started tackling mine too. I also made a mental note to read Samuel Johnson, who is glowingly discussed in this chapter.

After the chapters on Body and Family is a chapter on Neighbourhood.  Here Rubin resolves to "be a tourist without leaving home" by making more effort to appreciate and enjoy what her city has to offer.  Another resolution this month was to "practice nonrandom acts of kindness".  Rubin disagrees with the notion that random acts of kindness bring happiness to the giver and the receiver (who she thinks will usually react with suspicion to a random act of kindness directed at them).  The nonrandom acts of kindness that Rubin focuses on include inviting new people to her reading and writing groups, recommending people for work and linking to other people's blogs. I smiled when I read this as this blog has been a lucky recipient of one of Rubin's nonrandom acts of kindness - she posted about this blog on twitter! - and it made my day!

Towards the end of the book, I highlighted this - which sounds so simple but is so insightful:

"...my quest perfectly illustrated one of my Secrets of Adulthood: I do best what comes naturally. When I pursue a goal that's right for me, my progress comes quickly and easily; when I pursue a goal that's wrong for me, my progress feels blocked. Now I try not to fight that sense of paralysis, but rather see it as a helpful clue to self-knowledge."

And, speaking of her Secrets of Adulthood (of which there are many) - this is one of my new favourites:

"It's the task that's never started that's the most wearisome"  

The final chapter, Now, brings it all together as Rubin reflects on her months of resolutions.  I won't spoil the ending except to say that it's happy and quite lovely.

You can find out more about Gretchen Rubin and her books and read her blog at www.gretchenrubin.com